What I Would Have Said...

Since you're in Porn now, I would love to pitch you a line of sex toys. Here are a few names:

• Saved By the Balls - Anal Beads
• The Dustin Diamond Dildo - Dildo (but the joke kind of gift dildo)
• Show Girls - It would be a movie that stars Jessie Spano...oh wait.
• Latex by Lisa - Really expensive latex with complimentary scrunchies and faux-hair side ponytail ($10 more and you can get an ankle brace)
• Manscape by Mario - Waxing/shaving kit for men
• Tiffani-Amber Thongs - A line of thongs
• "I'm so excited!" pills - Pills that make you go all night long and in the morning you feel regret

These are just some starters.

Nov 18 08 Phone Bandit

Hi, I'd like to order 4 Dustin Diamond Dildos, with the holiday gift wrapping please. Oh, and Show Girls. Thanks.

Nov 18 08 Puno

i got 50 bones on you taking down urkel in the 3rd. don't fuck this up for me.

Nov 18 08 markbonus

You wanted to do a threesome with Mario Lopez and Mark-Paul Gosselaar so bad, didn't you?

Nov 18 08 anonymous

It's like this Dude. Really! You were fortunate enough to have some attention and fame. That's nice right? Not many people get that opportunity in life. But now you need to get a job. Take some anger management classes. I know, I know, it's hard when it all goes away. But you have no talent, and that's OK. So buck up Lil' Cowboy, move on, stay off of reality TV, and make us all proud. Alright now, lets "hug it out"!

Nov 18 08 Yeti

screeeeeeeeeech! (thud!) hey man, are you ok? phew, saved by the bell (helmet).

Nov 18 08 andrizzle

"I'm so EXCITED! And I think I LIKE IT. I'm about to SHOOT MY LOAD and I think I like it!"

Nov 18 08 Mikey P

You're such a jerk... I did the "Sprain" at my 6th grade Sadie Hawkins dance and one girl thought it was really cool. She also though cheeseburgers were really cool. She also thought getting married to me later in life was really cool. As it turns out none of those things are cool... you're such a dick!

Nov 19 08 tyson

my friend says you are someone famous but i have never heard of you and have no clue who you are so can you get out of my way please? thanks.

Nov 18 08 anonymous

Who knew Screech would be into Dirty Sanchezes.

Nov 18 08 PMA

Kevin was a badass robot.

Nov 18 08 middle child

Who the hell is Dustin Diamond? Oh...meh. *shrug*

Nov 19 08 CHOP

You have a profound effect on me...when I look at you I want to punch you in the face really hard and feel your bones crack under my knuckles.

See you at Temple! Mozle Tov!

Dec 05 08 jonn-e

In search of my chin. -an utobiography

Nov 18 08 paco

Dude, you're an ass. I'm not even sure how you ended up this way. Oh wait, I do. You spent your tween years working in hollywood while your dad took all the money. You also got stuck with leftover blow jobs, but that's only if Zach and Slater rejected the extras on set. Punk!

Nov 20 08 roro

dude.. can i get lisa's number?!

Nov 21 08 farfromsober

you are an asshole in real life

Nov 19 08 Puno duece

Noooooo.

Nov 20 08 Sally

Dustin, erm . . . I just don't know what to say to you.

Nov 24 08 Lacy

When I walked by you at that appearance you did in 2002 at that University of Buffalo football game

I screamed, "Screech!"

And you told me, "It's Mr. Diamond now."

I didn't get a chance for my follow up, which was,

"Screech, has Mario Lopez always had a gay cock?"

Dec 10 08 Zack Morris

please don't go

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